Disclaimer: Before you all get excited, this post is somewhat depressing. Read on if you so desire.
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Sometimes I think I am so strong, intuitive, and capable of making mature, correct decisions when it comes to the people I invite into my life, and that includes boyfriends and friends. But there are times when it's not so clear and I have to weigh out those nasty pros and cons.
There have been people in my life who played a pretty good role as being my friend. They earned my trust, lended a hand, gave me a shoulder to cry on and made me laugh. But then something happened and it changed my mind, made me look at them differently. I can't decide if I am a difficult person to be friends with or if I am just really good at picking out untrustworthy people.
There is this girl I was friends with for a few years. We met at school, and honestly I considered myself lucky to meet someone like her. We had so much in common and she was a positive force in my life. But then little things started happening and I thought twice about my ability to trust her. When we went home for summers, we barely spoke and I found that odd. When I broke up with my boyfriend (after he was a complete jerk to me) she refused to defend me, claiming "she never picked sides". I understood that and thought it was mature but it forever put a dent in our friendship, because how could she continue being friends with someone like him? It was a test of loyalty and she failed, without knowing it.
But it wasn't just that. It was a million other little things. And it was about me, too. I was in a bad place in my life and really felt like I was dragging her down. I felt like I was turning into this person I didn't like and she was feeling the brunt of it. After a few months of things piling up-I cut ties. I still question that decision to this day. We speak every so often, short sentences, and then I get to this point where I'm wondering, analyzing, questioning...did I do the right thing? My heart breaks a little when I think about the relationships I've tossed, thrown out, abused and neglected; relationships that used to shape my existence. Was it a mistake to put so much importance on just a friendship in the first place? When you bond with someone, shouldn't you make them a top priority? I guess that's my problem-with all these people I have loved and lost, I felt like I just didn't matter as much to them.
What I am left with now is a deeper appreciation for the people in my life now, still, who know me and accept me. Maybe the people who used to be my friends were merely lessons to be learned.
Sometimes it's hard to move on-
A
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Sometimes I think I am so strong, intuitive, and capable of making mature, correct decisions when it comes to the people I invite into my life, and that includes boyfriends and friends. But there are times when it's not so clear and I have to weigh out those nasty pros and cons.
There have been people in my life who played a pretty good role as being my friend. They earned my trust, lended a hand, gave me a shoulder to cry on and made me laugh. But then something happened and it changed my mind, made me look at them differently. I can't decide if I am a difficult person to be friends with or if I am just really good at picking out untrustworthy people.
There is this girl I was friends with for a few years. We met at school, and honestly I considered myself lucky to meet someone like her. We had so much in common and she was a positive force in my life. But then little things started happening and I thought twice about my ability to trust her. When we went home for summers, we barely spoke and I found that odd. When I broke up with my boyfriend (after he was a complete jerk to me) she refused to defend me, claiming "she never picked sides". I understood that and thought it was mature but it forever put a dent in our friendship, because how could she continue being friends with someone like him? It was a test of loyalty and she failed, without knowing it.
But it wasn't just that. It was a million other little things. And it was about me, too. I was in a bad place in my life and really felt like I was dragging her down. I felt like I was turning into this person I didn't like and she was feeling the brunt of it. After a few months of things piling up-I cut ties. I still question that decision to this day. We speak every so often, short sentences, and then I get to this point where I'm wondering, analyzing, questioning...did I do the right thing? My heart breaks a little when I think about the relationships I've tossed, thrown out, abused and neglected; relationships that used to shape my existence. Was it a mistake to put so much importance on just a friendship in the first place? When you bond with someone, shouldn't you make them a top priority? I guess that's my problem-with all these people I have loved and lost, I felt like I just didn't matter as much to them.
What I am left with now is a deeper appreciation for the people in my life now, still, who know me and accept me. Maybe the people who used to be my friends were merely lessons to be learned.
Sometimes it's hard to move on-
A
1 comment:
A. I KNOW.
"I guess that's my problem-with all these people I have loved and lost, I felt like I just didn't matter as much to them."
i... know. lol
-mand
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